By Idongesit Imuk
(Long post cum rib crack alert!)
So 2023 is here! And as it is with the clownery that is humanity, drawing up lengthy to-do lists of things we never get to do on the eve of every new year, tops our priority.
Truth is, this ritual of thrashing old unfufilled lists and churning up new ones has become quite cumbersome! But weirdos like myself, quintessentials and untraditionals, who wouldn’t walk away from ageold woké traditions for every dollar in Trump’s US, keep bringing up annoying to-do lists, like the one beneath this intro:
So this is what Idongesit Imuk ‘s 2023 list looks like, or atleast the first 30 of the 69.5 items on it!
See for yourself, that plans that the Akwa Ibom state born intellectual geek has laid down for herself this new year 👇
ITEM 1: become more saucy, as mean, rude and snubbish, as I can be, to human arseholes. Intentionally become more of a troublesome flat tyre wheel than an empathic human, to secret enemies who think I don’t know their real ID, while remaining unapologetically true and real to who I am.
ITEM 2: Add “REBEL” to my blue bird app descripto @twitter, just to complete the hood-girl appearance, show, stance and aura.
ITEM 3: Write the word “exactly”, as “egg-xactly”, every and anytime I feel geeky.
ITEM 4: Pick up driving lessons from where I left off, in the July of 2020! Master the art of steering control. Become a badass night driver: transporter level badassness!
Go female James’ Bond on fellow road users 😂
ITEM 5: tell age seekers and amebos, I’m 25 plus one years old, instead of the straight up 26 it’ll soon be
ITEM 7: Spontaneously preach the gospel of Jesus Christ in buses, taxis, Keke napeps and mini buses, while waiting on the sidewalk for the 7am bus, in atheist-populated whatsapp groups, and on senile telegram groups. Just because the gospel must be preached!
ITEM 6: Apply for, compete in and emerge winner, in atleast one beauty peagentary competition. Just because I’m a light skinned, 5 ft 11′ slender, tapered face west African girl 😊.
ITEMS 8 & 9: really up close personal items (Contents hidden! Assistance of divinity needed to meet these two demands)
ITEM 10: Strike out the words “literally”, “apparently” and “basically”, from my vocabulary of intimate words. Just so the fortunate bastard descendants of Lord Lugard on my whatsapp list, can stop sending me subliminal messages of my overuse of them online 😡
ITEM 11: Join and complete my church’s compulsory 6am to 6pm 31 days fasting prayer programme, kicking off tomorrow, which is a kinda license to go from slender to straight up malnourished 😭😭
ITEM 12: Get reading glasses for them ocules. Astigmatism’s a stubborn, clingy, bastard. It’s right about time to kick it in the arse 🏋️
ITEM 13: Completely get over the dark, handsome nerd who’s been acting like he’s Leonardo DiCaprio, all because my hormones unfortunately chose to like him. Get over him completely, and stop stalking him online 😡
ITEM 14: Upclose personal and sensitive. Alert on divinity’s assistance, needed to actualize this (content hidden)
ITEM 15: Specifically-tailored for D-NEO D-NEO Edu-Health Charity Foundation @ D-NEO verse, not permitted to share
ITEM 16: Perform Valsalva’s manuveore, everytime water mistakenly enters either of my ears. Just because it’s my favourite med school manuveore.
ITEM 17: Forgive exes, mean the men who tore my heart to shreds, then walked away without uttering a vowel of apology, like they were some Idris Elba doppelganger
ITEM 18: Faithfully pay my tithes, support the gospel physically and in all ramifications, as much as I can
ITEM 19: Make friends with an enemy before the year divides in two
ITEM 20: Tell my mother, “mummy I love you!” everytime she morphs into a black african banshee. 😂😂 I guess that’s way better than the angry looks I shoot her way every and anytime she goes siren on me.
ITEM 21: Tame and bridle the human rebellion called “Emem Imuk” , as I no wan die before my time 😂
ITEM 22: Learn Spanish. Complete my online french language classes, from where I left off in 2020. Perfect my annang, and upgrade my deep tongue nigerian accent, to blaccent, just because I love the way Jennifer Hudson speaks on her numerous live TV shows 🤗
ITEM 23: Learn a foreign cuisine, probably indian or any other south asian continental. Perfect my “EKPANG NKUKWO” rolling
ITEM 24: Cuss a bit less frequently, cos I’m not struggling for informal cuss awards with Daniel Craig and Adele 😂
ITEM 25: Take a decent, quiet bow-out, from online chitty chat groups, populated by arseholes, former arseholes, bullies and folks with unresolved personality disorders.
ITEM 26: Decongest my contact list
ITEM 27: Read two books every month, as opposed to the usual one-book–a-month ritual I’ve held onto for years now
ITEM 28: Embark on once-every-month refuse plugging exercise, with the foundation I volunteer for: D-NEO Edu-Health Charity Foundation . Just so my science freak alter egos can stop accusing me of being the one responsible for global warming and environmental degradation.
ITEM 29: Sort for, and find more Smarties (nerds, geeks, dorks) here on the internet space, then add them to my online book club. Just because I want to feel what Professor Xavier felt like, all through the time he went mutant-scouting in the X-Men universe.
ITEM 30: Learn to make “AKARA” (african bean cake), because akamu and akara, have jealously occupied the number one position, on my list of “favourite breakfast food”, for decades now.
ITEM 30: Watch the DC comic seasonal show, SMALLVILLE, from season one to ten and cry everytime I see a Clark-Lana kissing scene. Just because I’m a freaking helpless romantic 😰😰
As aforementioned, there are 69.5 items on my 2023 to-do list. Don’t ask me where the point 5 came (.5) from, personal issues with arithmetic I think 😂
But this very interesting list encompasses all things trivial, important, unimportant, sensitive, personal, wide-ranged, etc.
I usually do not share it, but always endeavour to commit it into the hands of the creator, alongside pleas of “help me actualize all of these, whether important or trivial!”
Because it’s one thing to plan and it’s another to execute what you planned!
But I decided to give you all, my social media neighbours a peep and keyhole steal, into what my world feels like.
It’s not everytime you put down super duper creepy important stuff on that list, make it a mix of fun, important and trivial.
So what’s your own list like? Feel free to share!
