Here is the text of the conversation between Apostle Johnson Suleman and Angel Gabriel.
Angel Gabriel: Hello Suleman, you called for this urgent meeting.
Apostle Suleman: Yes, Angel Gabriel.
Angel Gabriel: What happened? Is everything all right?
Apostle Suleman: I’m fine. It is just that… ehm…ehm…ehm
Angel Gabriel: Are you entangled in another Stephanie Otobo kind of mess?
Apostle Suleman: No, Angel Gabriel. Haba, I have learned my lessons. When it comes to that, be inconspicuous. Be discreet. It does the utmost magic.
Angel Gabriel: So what is it this time? I’m assuming that you have settled the issue of Pastor Davids’ wife. The one that…
Apostle Suleman: (interrupts)Don’t remind me, Angel Gabriel. I know the one you are talking about.
Angel Gabriel: Have you pacified him?
Apostle Suleman: Oh, yes. I did. You won’t hear pim from him anymore. Pastor Faith Edeko is happy, her husband, Davids is happy, and I am happy. Three of us are happy together in a kind of holy trinity-like matrimony. Like I told you the last time we spoke, it would only take some money to fix things. Money never fails me. And when I suspect it would not be enough, I send in my boys within the police to take care of the matter.
Angel Gabriel: So why the urgent meeting this time? I have so much to do.
Apostle Suleman: Well, I have this situation with some bloggers and YouTubers.
Angel Gabriel: Ok, what did they do?
Apostle Suleman: They insulted Jesus by questioning the miracle money alert that I performed in Atlanta and other places.
Angel Gabriel: Well, if that is the problem, you don’t have to worry. Jesus did not notice that someone was insulting him.
Apostle Suleman: No, Angel. I won’t let it go.
Angel Gabriel: But Jesus doesn’t care.
Apostle Suleman: But I care.
Angel Gabriel: Is there something that you are not telling me?
Apostle Suleman: In any case, they were insulting me, too.
Angel Gabriel: Is it the way Jesus was insulted?
Apostle Suleman: Much more vicious. In fact, I have started fighting them wherever in the world they are.
Angel Gabriel: Ok. By fight, I take it that you mean praying for them to change their ways.
Apostle Suleman: Oh, no. I am fighting them with lawyers and the Nigerian police. I am locking them up in prison and paying the police to throw away the keys.
Angel Gabriel: And you think that is what Jesus would have done in that situation?
Apostle Suleman: Jesus may be meek and gentle, but I am not. I am stubborn and rough. When it comes to defending my Father’s name, I stop at nothing.
Angel Gabriel: I see. Even when your father says you should not worry?
Apostle Suleman: Well, fathers sometimes don’t get it. They don’t understand the things of the world.
Angel Gabriel: Excuse me!
Apostle Suleman: Anyway, forget that. Just back me up.
Angel Gabriel: Please remind me again, what did you say they did for which you need back up?
Apostle Suleman: My friend, you need to pay attention. This is a serious matter. They were insulting Jesus by questioning the miracle money alert that I performed in Atlanta and other places.
Angel Gabriel: That sounds to me like they were trying to hold you accountable for your actions.
Apostle Suleman: What kind of angel are you, sef?
Angel Gabriel: Anyway, what miracle money alert are you talking about?
Apostle Suleman: Haba! The one that you put money into the bank accounts of my worshippers, sorry, I mean, followers.
Angel Gabriel: I did?
Apostle Suleman: Yes.
Angel Gabriel: I don’t remember doing so.
Apostle Suleman: Abeg, say that you do.
Angel Gabriel: Are you asking me to lie?
Apostle Suleman: No. I am just saying…
Angel Gabriel: What money did I put into those bank accounts? Shillings or Yen? And where did I get the money?
Apostle Suleman: Angel Gabriel, abeg, don’t expose my behind, you hear? We don’t have the time to go into all that now. I promise to make it up to you.
Angel Gabriel: Ok.
Apostle Suleman: Just say that you did.
Angel Gabriel: Say to whom?
Apostle Suleman: Say to anyone who asks you.
Angel Gabriel: Is anyone going to ask me?
Apostle Suleman: My friend, don’t act as if you don’t know what is happening?
Angel Gabriel: I really don’t know. You think I wake up every day thinking about covering up the mess that you will get into each day?
Apostle Suleman: Yes. No.
Angel Gabriel: Who will ask me about your miracle money alert?
Apostle Suleman: Some lawyers. Or some Judges.
Angel Gabriel: Where?
Apostle Suleman: Here on earth.
Angel Gabriel: How will they reach me?
Apostle Suleman: They plan to summon you to court to answer questions?
Angel Gabriel: Questions about what?
Apostle Suleman: My friend, what is wrong with you? What have we been talking about? How many times do I have to say it? Hear it now. They are asking questions about my miracle money alert. Also, they are using my name to make money without my permission.
Angel Gabriel: Really? How much are they making?
Apostle Suleman: I don’t care how much they make. Even if they make pennies, I want my own share of it.
Angel Gabriel: I see. The same way you got permission from Jesus to you his name to make money, abi? And the same way you send Jesus His share from the money you make using his meme, abi?
Apostle Suleman: Why am I even wasting my time talking to you? I want to speak with your supervisor.
Angel Gabriel: You know what? That’s it. I think I have had it with you.
Apostle Suleman: What do you mean, Angel?
Angel Gabriel: We are done with you.
Apostle Suleman: Who are the “we”?
Angel Gabriel: Everyone here in heaven, the Cherubim and Seraphim.
Apostle Suleman: No, you cannot leave me now.
Angel Gabriel: It is time we tell you the truth.
Apostle Suleman: Please don’t. I am allergic to the truth.
Angel Gabriel: Listen, Mr. Johnson Suleman, you are an embarrassment to the church of God.
Apostle Suleman: Please stop. I am not listening. (Sticks fingers into his ears)
Angel Gabriel: Mr. Johnson Suleman, take your dirty fingers off your ears. You have made a good living ridiculing the name of Jesus Christ.
Apostle Suleman: Me? Do you know whom you are talking to?
Angel Gabriel: Oh, yes. Thank God, it is all coming to an end today.
Apostle Suleman: And how are you going to make it come to an end?
Angel Gabriel: The skeletons in your closet are all crashing out. And this time, all your efforts at damage control are going to be too little and too late.
Apostle Suleman: You don’t know me, be that. Who born you? I can make you disappear.
Angel Gabriel: It is over.
Apostle Suleman: If you don’t take back what you just said, I will curse you.
Angel Gabriel: You will do what?
Apostle Suleman: Curse you.
Angel Gabriel: Try it, if you can.
Apostle Suleman: I say, take back what you said now, or you will die.
Angel Gabriel: Ok. On whose power do you stand?
Apostle Suleman: What?
Angel Gabriel: On whose power do you stand to pronounce that curse?
Apostle Suleman: For your information, I have 50 churches all over the world. If anything happens to me because of this your stupid attitude, the damage I will do to heaven will take ten years to be repaired.
Angel Gabriel: O’ yeah!
Apostle Suleman: I have alerted my members. Already, they are beginning to react.
Angel Gabriel: I see. Mr. Johnson Suleman, have a nice day.
Apostle Suleman: Don’t call my name again.
Angel Gabriel: What?
Apostle Suleman: I say, don’t call my name again unless I give you permission to do so.
Angel Gabriel: Otherwise…
Apostle Suleman: Otherwise, I will sue you. I have the right to my name, my image, and my videos. It is called image right. Just mention my name again and see if I won’t sue you. I have lawyers lined up from here to Mars.
Angel Gabriel: Are you done?
Apostle Suleman: And another thing, do not think I do not have options.
Angel Gabriel: You do?
Apostle Suleman: Oh, yes. Just in case you have forgotten, before I started following this your Jesus, I was a faithful follower of Allah and Prophet Mohammed.
Angel Gabriel: And so what, Alhaji Suleman?
Apostle Suleman: So, I can dump you and your Jesus and return to Allah and Prophet Mohammed.
Angel Gabriel: Suit yourself.
Apostle Suleman: I will surely do.
Angel Gabriel: Like I told you the last time, remember Pastor Jim Bakker and Pastor Ted Haggard.
Apostle Suleman: What about them?
Angel Gabriel: Their fame got into their small heads, and they thought they were invincible until it all collapsed on their knuckleheads.
Apostle Suleman: Are you calling me a knucklehead?
Angel Gabriel: No, I did not.
Apostle Suleman: You are a useless one-cell amoeba.
Angel Gabriel: Have a nice day, Alhaji Suleman.
Apostle Suleman: I’m warning you for the last time, don’t call my name again without my permission.
Angel Gabriel: Otherwise…
Apostle Suleman: Otherwise, I will do here what I did in Auchi some 30 years ago when an annoying fellow like you called my name without my permission.
Angel Gabriel: Do you want me to ask you what you did?
Apostle Suleman: Yes.
Angel Gabriel: I don’t care.
Apostle Suleman: I hate you.
Angel Gabriel: Anything else?
Apostle Suleman: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Angel Gabriel: You can go now, Alhaji Suleman.
Apostle Suleman: I can see that you have Barack Obama kind of ears, but you do not hear. How many times will I tell you not to call my name without my permission?
Angel Gabriel: Maybe I should say it in the language you will understand.
Apostle Suleman: Say it, if you have the balls?
Angel Gabriel: You are fired, Mr. Suleman.
Apostle Suleman: You cannot fire me. I’m anointed. I make the blind to see. I make the deaf to hear. I make the cripple to walk. When I speak, the world shakes.
Angel Gabriel: Yada yada yada. Mr. Suleman, go tell that to your friends in Nollywood. Tell that to those ladies your mere presence shakes their wombs.
Apostle Suleman: Curse you, Angel Gabriel.
Angel Gabriel: Thank you, Mr. Suleman.
Apostle Suleman: Yeah, curse you, too.
Angel Gabriel: Bye, Felicia.
Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo teaches Contemporary Afrodiasporic Literature at the School of Visual Arts in New York. He is also the host of Dr. Damages Show. His latest book is “The Secret Letters of President Donald J. Trump, aged 73.”